Been awhile...

Hello friends
I know, I know...it's been awhile. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things...slowly, but surely. Ok, I'm not the best blogger in the world...and still am getting used to moving around and finding my way in how it's all put together....I've got a long way to go (compared to some of the most beautiful blogs...hey, put it this way - to me, THEY ARE ONLINE MAGAZINES as far as I'm concerned! and there's plenty for me to learn) But eventually, I'll get it the way that I want it. So far, I think I'm on the right track.

Ok...now....On to another subject....
To some of you this may not be the place for this, and to others you know exactly where I'm coming from. My blog is not just to showcase a few cards or scrapbook layouts or pictures...It's a place for me to get my thoughts, ideas and feelings written down....say what I have to say....add a period, question mark, or explanation point and call it a day. And this is one of those times...when I need to get it out.

So here it goes....
As some of you know, I lost my brother in late August. He was my "baby"brother....even though he was two years older than me. He went home to be with the Lord on August 31st of this year. He was sick for several years. And battled with his illness the best that he could. He was one of those people that said that he never wanted children of his own....so he made it his business to take care of other people's children. He was a Christian, A Brother; to six brothers and sisters, an Uncle to a host of nieces and nephews, A Cousin to many, A God-father to four boys and girls, A Best Friend to a special man. HE was a very, very special man himself. He took care of everybody. If he had it, you had it. You didn't have to ask. Somehow, he always knew when you needed something. He was amazing.

On his good days he would say "I just want to make it to 50." Last year, he gave himself a huge birthday...family and friends, neighbors, former co-workers all were there to help him celebrate. It was a good time; us all being together, happy and optimistic. This year, he wanted it to be quiet. We kept it that way, because that's what he wanted. My daughter and I spent several hours with him while he opened presents and just talked. He was happy.

We were close. As it is in most large families...We were in pairs...two by two that were closest. It's only been a few months and I miss him greatly already. It's still raw for me. I have my good days and my bad days. Yesterday was a bad day and he kept popping into my head...but not in a good way. His last few hours kept invading my mind and I couldn't keep it together. His brothers and sisters; including me, thought we were prepared for him to leave us....but I know now....you're never prepared. I can't say for certain that's the way that my brothers and sisters feel...but if I had to hazard a guess, I'd bet money on being 98% correct.

Some day, when I have the strength, I will chronicle my brother's life. The way he was. The man that he was. The things he liked to do. Things that he enjoyed so very much; like interior decorating, and plants, and nice clothes. The words that meant something to him. The things that he always, always said. The things that made him laugh and cry. As much as I can remember. He taught me some things. He was a protector for me. He was a cheerleader. He believed in me. He believed and enjoyed my craftiness. He was one of my best friends. He was a confidant. He was a partner in crime. He was my shoulder to cry on. He was my plant shopping buddy. He was my baker. He was my go to guy. I am proud of him and all that he was. I will pay tribute to him and all that he meant to us, to me. I'll never let anyone forget him. I won't. He'll always be imprinted on my life, in my mind, in my heart. I believe that someday, we'll be together. And that thought does make it better. He was with me for a season. It didn't turn out to be a lifetime for me. He was here for a specific purpose and when he fulfilled it, he was taken home. I know that God doesn't make mistakes.

He so wanted to be here for my first grandbaby's birth. Sometimes I think that he was more excited than me! And I believe that he tried to hold on. But he was tired and in pain. My grandson was born two days after his death. My emotions were all over the place the first week after. I sorta felt like I didn't know if I should be sad or happy. And I struggled.

Every time my grandson is so alert and watching something that we can't see, and he's smiling or laughing; I believe that it's my brother. I believe what I believe. He's watching him. Protecting him. Playing with him. And giving him and us a message: "I'm here."

It warms me, and holds me, and comforts me. And I remember to smile.